Friday, August 24, 2007

find my path

I had an old friend; Rob Demented. (sadly--We have grown apart despite Timmy consistently trying to poke us back together) who once gifted me with a book titled "A Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment." It was my first serious look at Zen Buddhism and my feeble spiritual journey. Prior to any internal contemplations I was a very vain, greedy and shallow little girl. I was horribly selfish and unthinking. I made rash decisions like getting laid, getting pregnant, getting married and getting divorced (all in about 18 months) with about the same effort I put into deciding how to dress my hair for the day. In fact, (ages 17-19) back then I may have put *more* effort into my hair color. (variations included pink, blue, burgundy, & of course uber goth BLACK)

Carrying in utero Matthew and watching him grow was profoundly awakening for me and I realized that my soul is not the only one of any significance on the planet. Then I met people (mmm... Pete) who used multi syllabic words and encouraged me to not treat friends as objects. To realize that words like "love" & "respect" and "ego" can have multiple meanings. Perspectives other than my own. The older I get the more I embrace my walk on this path. Gleaning experiential wisdom—progressing toward the attainment of awakening and understanding the concept of "journey". This philosophy, zazen; de-emphasizes theory (I'm all over that) in favor of direct individual experience of one's own true nature.

The past month has been so full of action & experience. Thoughts swirling, milestones checked off a list. Life altering changes, thrilling moments of pure friendship and disappointing discoveries that while sad, are not the end of the world. To quote my friend Jane,

"There is always something to look forward to."

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